Between November 2013 and November 2014 I was given an amazing opportunity: I was given an assignment in Chicago. I moved there, alone, whilst my husband managed a business back in the UK, and embarked upon the biggest adventure of my life to date. A couple of weeks ago, on a train from Paddington back to Bath, a round robin question was posed to a group of twelve people; “what are you most proud of in your life so far?”. For me, the answer is “Chicago”. Living 3700 miles way, working it out for myself- working out about myself, and surviving twelve months in a big city. Eleven months after I got back from my year away, here’s the main things I learned.
Being alone is actually kind of good
I have never lived alone. I went from school, to university, to living with my now husband. Bar eight weeks, I have been in a relationship of some sort since I was fifteen years old. Without realising it, I had got this far in my life without actually knowing what it was like to spend any time with myself. I had never sat at a bar alone. I had never eaten in a restaurant by myself. It was uncomfortable at first, but here’s the thing: masturdating (dating by yourself) is kind of good, and being okay with your own company is a big deal. Not too much alone time- I am a massive overthinker who can let things explode and implode in my overactive brain- but a bit of alone time is good. Masturdating is amazing. Do it.
Make it happen
This week, in a haze of jet lag and frustration, I burst into tears. It was triggered by a compliment: “you grabbed America: you discovered it, and embraced it, and shook it up”. I think I cried because that’s the reason I am so proud of the whole thing. Before living abroad, I have never even asked a person out of a drink- for fear of getting a “no” answer. One cold February afternoon, I did this. The person said yes, and that person became one of my closest confidants. Grabbing the experience, doing things that scare you (and we’re not even talking about sky diving scary here…) helps you grow and meet new people.
Friendships are important
When you’re in a city, on your own, you need to develop a support network. This is even truer you factor in five months of extreme cold that, frankly, drives you batshit crazy. I made a couple of amazing friends living in Chicago. Sometimes it feels crazy that I have only known them for two years. I describe these friendships as “pressure cooker” friendships, because they matured quickly. The proximity with these peoples is greater: not only are you in the same city as them, but-because I was alone- they become your support, your confidants and your temporary family.
The only warning from this learning is that, they could end up meaning a lot more to you, than you to them. They all went home at night, to their families and support networks, but I needed them a lot more. So there may be an imbalance in your relationships: but that’s ok. You have to work at maintaining the friendships- especially when you’re the one who disappears back to whence you came! Large distances and time differences all contribute to the challenge, but if you think the friendship is worth it, the additional effort on your part is worth it too.
Big world versus small world
I come from a small world. A very small world. I live in the town I was born and raised in. I work just eight miles from the house I lived in until I was fourteen. I am lucky that I have travelled quite a bit, but fundamentally, I am (shamefully) a small town girl. Juxtapose this with the Second City: it’s big and brash. It engulfs you with skyscrapers and traffic and noise, and this is just the physical stuff. Big world versus small world differences infiltrate other things too. Relationships- personal and professional- are more complex in big city environments. I am aware that this is beginning to sound like a Victorian novel, damning the corruption of the big cities and industry- but there is a difference. Generally, on all matters, choice is broader; competition is greater and people’s standards are higher. It might be dating, work or friendship, but because of the breath of choice, they set high benchmarks of expectations and scrutinise these expectations in a much harsher way. The net result of this can lead you to doubt your assessments of people; their intentions and their truth. It took me a long time to see this one, and I still haven’t quite sussed it out. Overall, people are more emotionally mature, because they have to suss out the intentions and game plays of others much earlier. My small world didn’t have this much…well…bullshit. It has caught me out a few times: I can spend hours over-analysing things if people have sown any seed of doubt. Small world life just doesn’t have such intricacies, and I am okay with that! I guess the advice would be to take your gut feel on this stuff- easier said than done though!
You can squeeze a lot into this life
When I lived in America, I felt like I achieved a lot. Working out four to five times a week, jumping on planes for customer meetings, going for dinners and drinks, breakfasts and brunches- there was a lot going on. I didn’t have a house to maintain, so that freed up a bit of time, but there was a lot of stuff happening.
Now, this is the lesson that I haven’t learned from: my life was pretty jam-packed in America, and my job was ten times the work and the pace of the job I have been doing for the last eleven months. I embraced it and tried to do as much as possible. It is easier to do when the world is on your doorstep: you can drink up a big city every day. You never have to do the same thing twice if you don’t want to. Choice is huge. Options are broad. Somehow I did it all. Went spinning four to five times a weeks, and now I proclaim I am too busy?! That’s a bullshit excuse on my part! If you want something done, ask a busy person. I definitely need to learn from this lesson!
So, there’s my five main lessons from a year abroad. In summary:
Being alone is good for a bit. Masturdate. It’s great.
Make it happen. Be bold, brave and experience it all fully.
Friendships will be important. Maybe more to you than them, but that’s ok.
Beware of the toxicity of the “big world” (if you’re from a small world!)
Squeeze as much in as you can!
And all those lessons work whether you’re at home or abroad!
